and i must confess
by Kill and Jate
Summary: <html><head></head>No matter what, Edward Cullen is a vindicated man, and he will always see himself as the monster hiding under the bed. But there is solace in the form of shreds of humanity, and that is enough for him. Several contemplation's from Edward, post-BD.</html>


**Summary:** _No matter what, Edward Cullen is a vindicated man, and he will always see himself as the monster hiding under the bed. But there is solace in the form of shreds of humanity, and that is enough for him. Several contemplation's from Edward, post-BD._

**Author's Note:** _Welp. I ought to get to writing updates for my other two fics. But for now, I'm in the mood for one-shots. Enjoy some Edward stuff. I haven't written in his point of view in ages. Enjoy, and don't forget to review :)_

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><p>His eyes are golden now, but sometimes, he finds himself expecting to see crimson irises staring back at him in the mirror.<p>

Decades later, he expects to taste human blood in the back of his mouth, the bright red of inhumanity, the monster that he knows to lurk somewhere deep inside.

But there are distractions, and if there are temptations, he does not notice them anymore. And this is enough for him.

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><p>It's been ten years now, ten years since he met the earth-shattering, mind-blowing, utterly intriguing Bella Swan, and he still hasn't managed to discern why, exactly, she is so in love with him.<p>

Ten years, and he is constantly contemplating the fact that, yes, he has managed to grasp his fingers around a woman so utterly real, so flawless, an angel wrapped in porcelain and framed with dark brown hair. She feels like silk when his hands cusp her face; her lips taste like something from before this eternal damnation, of honey and sweetness and purity.

He explores her, every single inch - the sweet taste of her skin, the way their hips feel together, gently wrapping his arms around her waist, her head on his shoulder. She tastes of sunshine, of everything good in this world, this dark world that, before he met Isabella Marie Swan, held no warmth or sunlight.

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><p>In a way, Edward misses her warmth. She is cold now, like him, and in a way, this comforts him; she is cold, she is strong, she isn't as fragile as she was when they met. She is eternal, the epitome of beauty, and he cannot harm her now, this hypnotically addictive woman, the one whom he wishes he could dream of.<p>

But the warmth, the chocolate brown of her eyes, the pools of pink that would flush to her cheeks? He can never see that again. There are the memories, warm like sunlight, to quell that yearning, but sometimes, Edward wishes that he could sing her to sleep as he used to.

He sees Bella in Renesmee. Their daughter is nine now, but she looks seventeen, and more so like Bella than ever. Her hair is the color of autumn, but her eyes, that cautiously shy smile, the way she can blush so easily...Renesmee is her mother, through and through.

Which is partially why Edward is somewhat uncomfortable whenever he sees Renesmee with Jacob Black.

In a way, it's akin to watching another life; one where Bella wasn't so desperate to see him again after he left, where she had chosen warmth and tanned skin and the Quileute Reservation. He sees it in the tentative way Renesmee grabs Jacob's hand, subtle signs of affection in front of Edward and Bella, showing that, yes, Jacob has Imprinted on his daughter, and that she is utterly and completely his.

The fact that Jacob can make Renesmee so complete, make her happy and fulfilled and in love...

That is why Edward hasn't thought to have true doubts about the duo.

That is why, despite the parallels he sees, he will never question their love.

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><p>One day, Edward asks Jasper a question.<p>

"Is it like this for you? Is Alice the reason that you don't..."

He needn't finish his inquiry. Jasper already knows what his brother was about to say.

The honey-blonde gives a quick glance outside. Near the edge of the forests, Edward can spot quick, dancer-like movements, inky black hair contrasting ever so starkly against the constant green and white surrounding her.

"Alice is my reason for everything."

There are a million things Edward could interpret from this reply. If he were Emmett, there would most likely involve a snarky, sarcastic remark or two.

_Alice is my reason for becoming a decent man. Alice is my reason for joining this life. Alice is the reason that the ghosts of my past don't constantly surround me, the reason that Maria isn't always lurking in the corners of my mind, the reason that I am not just a scarred war veteran. Alice is the reason that I am Jasper Hale, that I have empathy, that I am not a complete monster._

It's beautiful, yet heartbreaking, Jasper's thoughts. There are bouts of self-loathing akin to Edward's; there are moments that he questions this 'vegetarian' lifestyle; there are moments where he ponders how the South is doing. But there is never a flicker of doubt for Alice.

Alice is his life, his breath, his everything.

And Edward knows, deep in the crevices of his heart, that he can relate more than Jasper will ever realize.

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><p>His moments of self-hatred, where he feels like nothing more than the dirty remnants of a broken soul, are rare now. They aren't a constant mantra in his mind, repeating endlessly, a song that won't skip itself.<p>

When they do come, Edward blocks them out with the perfume of Bella's skin, the taste of her jawline and neck, the sweet nothings he whispers in the shell of her ear, the feel of smooth, milky skin against his strong hands.

There are other ways she distracts him, as well. She began learning how to play the piano from him, and she's barely beginning the sweet genesis of composing her own music. When no one else is around, and she's in a particularly good mood, Bella tends to hum whatever tune pops into her head.

When the sunlight causes her skin to glitter ever so softly, when the feel of her hipbones upon his lips brings his body to life, when his mind is clouded with the all-too-perfect scent of jasmine and sunlight and honeysuckle...that is when he forgets he is damned, that he does not deserve this goddess in his bed.

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><p>Eternity will never be enough for Edward. But their love is infallible, and that sates him.<p>

"My mate," Edward whispers against Bella's collarbone one day, his eyes staring into hers.

Bella rakes his fingers in his auburn hair, a deep breath wracking her body. "My mate," she replies.

And in that moment, they are the only two beings in existence.


End file.
